All of these are actual things said by my family this weekend.
Mom: How long does it take to boil water in the microwave?
Me: That depends on the wattage of the microwave, how much water, what temperature the water starts at, what type of container it's in...
Sarah (my sister): Two minutes!
Me: Or you could just put it in for a few minutes and check on it.
Me: How do you people live without a scroll wheel on your mouse?
Me: You need to learn to Google.
Renee (woman who's been cutting my Mom's hair for as long as I can remember): Google? What will that do for me?
Me: It will answer all of your questions.
Renee: So, it's like God?
Me: Yeah, kinda, but without all of the scary angels.
Mom: And the forgiveness.
Me: Do you have any coffee filters?
Mom: Yeah...why do you need coffee filters?
Me: I have cups of food coloring, why would I NOT need coffee filters?
(I was in a crafty mood. It doesn't happen all that often. My nephews and I made colorful snowflakes.)
(Before sending me to run into the grocery store to get a container of cottage cheese she had forgotten to buy.)
Mom: If something other than cottage cheese finds it's way into the bag, that's fine, but I'm not paying for it.